Trail Marker - Part 1

Anyone who knows me can vouch for this: I'm an outdoorsy kinda guy; far more at home deep in the woods than in a crowded shopping mall or corporate board-room. I love to grab my walking stick, a bag of trail-mix, and water bottle; heading out into the quiet solitude of the wild. I place great value on the times I'm able to steal away for awhile; putting some distance between me and the noise that normally surrounds me. Ya know what? I'm in good company - even Jesus sought out such retreats from time to time.
In the forest, we can easily locate the boundaries of where we're familiar; where we've been before. At that point, we choose whether or not to venture on a little further. For some, that's a few feet beyond the parking lot; others might have something just a bit more adventurous in mind. Me - I'm the adventurous sort; the trail I may have walked yesterday only serves to lead me to one yet to be discovered!
It was back in 2000 and we were visiting Melanie's family in Southwestern Pennsylvania. When I visit that region, I find it nearly irresistible - that voice beckoning from the wooded slopes of the Allegheny Mountains. Its call resonates deep within me and I can hardly wait to lace-up my boots and find a good trail (I hope I'm not sounding like some New Age, tree-hugging weirdo here. Put simply, I love to immerse myself in that sort of geography and I cherish every opportunity I get to do so!)
It was a beautiful sunny day and Melanie was eager to spend it catching up with her mother and showing off our three little ones. I was perusing through some local road maps - scratching my head I wondered, "Now where was that trail-head; I'm pretty sure it's along this road..."
The kids were giggling and enjoying their reunion with Grandma while I gave my wife a peck on the cheek. "Have a good day with Mom - don't expect me 'til dinner" I said as I walked toward my pickup truck with a bounce in my step. After a short drive through the hilly countryside, I arrived at my destination. The hollow crunching sound of the gravel beneath my tires ground to halt as I parked in the nearly deserted lot. "Perfect!" I thought, "Hardly anyone else here today - the trail is mine!" I was there to get away from the familiar surroundings of my world. I hoped to spend the entire day without encountering another soul. The only conversation I was interested in was with my Heavenly Father. Securing a trail map from the information stand I stood still for a few moments to get my bearings. I selected the route I'd be following and noted the color of the trail markers that would guide me along the five-mile loop. There were longer trails but this was to be a leisurely pace and I did say I'd be home for dinner. Having oriented myself, I began my trek through the rugged terrain.
The trail I was on meanders along ridge lines, crosses valleys, and traverses numerous slopes which are strewn with moss-covered boulders - some as big as houses. I was in awe of the natural beauty and wondrous views that surrounded me. I strolled along at a steady yet comfortable pace; praying, listening, meditating, and drinking in the moment. As I looked up into the wooded canopy above, I began to sing aloud one of my favorite hymns; one I've known from my youth:

"O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,

How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: 'My God, how great Thou art!'

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!"

Several hours into my hike, I noticed something - the trail markers no longer agreed with my trail map. At some point, I had deviated from my intended course. I now found myself on a much longer loop. A cold sweat broke out out on my brow; instead of being on schedule to exit the woods in time to get back for dinner, I was facing the very real possibility of having to bed down for the night in a lean-to shelter. "If only I had a compass", I thought. "Then I could walk a 'b-line' straight back to the parking lot". It would've been quicker than the circuitous route the trail follows. "Bad idea" I mumbled; imagining myself crawling out of the woods a few days later with a scraggly beard and twigs in my hair!
After studying the map, I was reasonably sure where I was. The Sun was beginning to set; giving me a rough indication of west. I knew if I back-tracked, I'd never make it out before dark but if I continued in the direction I had been traveling, I might just make it if I quickened my pace. Having resolved that question, I pocketed the map, washed down a handful of trail mix with a swig of water and resumed my hike.
At that point, the trail took me through a densely wooded plateau. Both sides of the path were lined with thick undergrowth and scrubby tangle wood. I hadn't taken but a step or two when I heard a twig break - then another. I froze in my tracks. Just a few yards ahead emerged from the brush a very large, dark and hairy form!

To be continued...

Flashback (My Journey - part 3)

This is #3 of a nine-part series.
If you'd like to skip to a different chapter,
Just click on the My Journey series
under LABELS (Top of the page, on the right side of your screen).

This photo was taken early in 1998; around the same time I wrote the journal entry below. I'm pictured here holding Becky & Bradley; at the time,they were our only children.

I mentioned in my last post (Part - 2) that the difficulties we are now experiencing are similar to what we walked through about a dozen years ago. Back in those days, we were struggling through some very painful circumstances. Over a period of about 18-24 months, the building company I had started slowly bled us of our financial stability. We fell behind with some of our suppliers, amassed a huge tax debt and nearly lost our home; and just when I thought things had bottomed-out...

1/6/1998, 12:00am

As we've just begun a new year and put the holidays behind us, I find myself in the midst of some deep, inner struggles. I feel as though I'm in a tail-spin; out of control and headed toward certain doom! It felt as though everything I've set my hand to accomplish is falling apart at the seams.

Our business is struggling for its very survival; we're experiencing some profound financial struggles as well as having problems with some of our employees. I've been feeling an ever-increasing weight upon my shoulders. The level of stress has been on the increase in recent weeks as I'm feeling the reality of so many things amiss in my world right now.

As we began December, I was determined to keep my chin up; to be a pillar of strength for my family. We decorated our Christmas tree early and I even purchased some extra lights to put on the house, shrubs, and the crab-apple tree. I had decided to do my level best to make the holiday season as festive a memory as possible for Mel and the little ones.

Nevertheless, pressures were continuing to mount and I was growing increasingly concerned about the financial state of our little company. Yet, I'll always remember the big surprise Melanie had waiting for me that one particular afternoon in early December. I'd just come home from another frustrating day. We gave each other our usual greeting as I stumbled through the door over two young children who were frantically competing for my affection. It looked like another typical evening lay ahead for me; trying to stay up-beat and optimistic in spite my heavy heart.

For some reason, Mel seemed intent upon herding me toward our bedroom. I willingly obliged, figuring she'd probably had a rough day with the kids and wanted some "us-time" before dinner. The door closed behind me and she motioned for me to look on top of her dresser. Turning my head, I noticed a handkerchief covering something. "Take a look" she said. Lifting away the fabric, I saw what it had been concealing. The clouds that had been hovering over my head all day suddenly lifted; a ray of sun fell upon my heart. Gone, for the moment were the things that had been troubling me. I beheld a home pregnancy test boldly displaying a big pink "+". Oh - I was so happy; the troubles plaguing me now seemed trivial - at least for a little while, anyhow.

Over the next couple of days, we delivered the exciting news to our family and a few of our friends and then began making plans; preparing a place for our new arrival. This was truly a boost for me. Yet, the problems at work were worsening and I was feeling more and more stressed-out. The days leading up to the Christmas break were some of the most frustrating ones I've had in quite some time. I limped into Christmas just hoping for a few days to rest and re-evaluate some things.

I'm sure there's no way to prepare one's self for adverse times but I, already in a vulnerable state emotionally, was completely blind-sided by what happened next. It was Christmas Eve when Melanie first noticed some light bleeding; always unnerving during a pregnancy. I recalled a similar episode when we were expecting Becky so I was a little concerned but not overly so. However, my cautious optimism was soon dashed as the flow of blood increased over the next couple of days. As the reality of our loss became apparent; that on top of all the other grief I'd been enduring from our floundering business, my heart sank.

Mel was in bed; the children were fast asleep. I, alone with my thoughts and pent-up emotions knelt down to pray (by the bathtub - of all the places). Crying out to God, I sobbed; I wept like I haven't wept in recent memory. The tears flowing freely washed the contact lenses from my eyes (I never did find them).

More than a week has gone by now and I'm still reeling; I've found it difficult to even write these words without my eyes tearing up once more. I'm still struggling to find my way back to that place where I once felt my faith was unshakable. God is the one constant in the universe. His character is flawless but I am weak. When have I ever felt weaker than I do now? Yet, I'm determined to press-on! We lost our little one. Though we only knew this child as a little pink "+", our lives are profoundly touched by the assurance that our #3 is waiting for us in Jesus' arms! I look forward to our first meeting! Just a final thought: I can only imagine what it must be like to have your first perceptions in life be in the presence of God!

I think this was taken during the summer of 1997. The kids & I havin' a ball!

If I could take a trip in a time machine, I'm not sure I could resist making a stop in the year 1998; January 6 at around 12:30 am, I should think. I'd stroll up the walk and climb the front porch steps of that little ranch-style house on Riverdale Street I so fondly remember. I'd quietly knock on the door; careful not to wake the kids and my young wife. "Hi, it's me...uhm...that is...well, it's you - I mean I'm you; would ya believe you about 11 years from now?" Now, assuming I'd make it past such a greeting, I'd invite myself in and we'd make ourselves comfortable in the living room. I wonder who'd get my favorite chair; me or me?
I'm not altogether sure what I'd say to my young alter ego but I can imagine I'd tell him his faith in the Heavenly Father is well placed. Perhaps I'd tell him of the amazing providence he would experience in the coming years. I'd tell him what a wonderful wife he has and how she's blossomed into such an extraordinary woman. I'd tell him what fine youngsters Becky and Brad have grown into and "just wait 'til ya meet the other six!" I probably wouldn't mention the second miscarriage he and his wife would go through in a few years. Rather, I'd reassure him that God is using the difficulties of his day to strengthen him to face new challenges in mine and that his perseverance is not in vain. Finally, I'd smack him up-side the head in advance for buying that stupid conversion van!
So here I sit, looking back; recognizing God's providence along my journey; His mighty hand keeping my feet on course. Therefore, I can't help but wonder; "what would the 'me' from the future have to say to me right now? I think it would sound more or less just like what I would say to the 1998 "me"; that and maybe tomorrow's winning lottery numbers might be nice!

My Journey - Part 2

This is #2 of a nine-part series.
If you'd like to skip to a different chapter,
Just click on the My Journey series
under LABELS (Top of the page, on the right side of your screen).

March 6, 2008
All eight of our kids together for the first time.
Little new-born Nathan was just a day old. One month from today we'll celebrate Nate's first birthday!

The family business remains in the intensive care unit; undergoing some radical therapy to try and stabilize it. I spent some of my day today outside the office. It felt good to get out of there for a couple of hours - diagnosing and repairing a minor electrical issue for a new client of ours. The balance of the day was spent reconciling accounts, chasing down a couple of leads, chasing down a couple of customers with past-due invoices, and trying to figure out how to meet payroll next week.
I also spent some time in my office with Brandon, one of the employees we laid-off yesterday; just a little shop-talk, business prospects, issues pertaining to his leaving - that sort of thing. It was also my opportunity to let him know how much I had appreciated his efforts these past months. As we spoke, I stole a quick glance over his shoulder. Hanging on the wall just beyond him was the picture of his new-born baby boy; e-mailed to me just a little over a year ago by the proud new father. Little Evan was the first child born to he and his wife, Stacy. I posted a copy of the little fella in our office for everyone to see and it's been there since. Now, it's a different season; nothing cheerful to hang on the wall. After an awkward silence, I thought briefly about discussing matters of faith but we'd been there before. So, with a sadness in my heart, I walked him to his car unable to offer any optimistic words with regards to his position. Outside, the air was frigid and a light snow had begun to fall. Brandon's pick-up truck sat idling in the drive; waiting in the warm cab were Stacy along with Evan, asleep in his car-seat.
After some brief conversation, we said our goodbyes and I returned to my desk feeling a deep concern for their young family. I don't know how unbelievers cope with such adversity. My brother and I have both tried to share our faith with Brandon and others who've worked for us. There's such a hardness of heart with some folks. I hope that they'll see in me an unwavering faith as we sail through these perilous waters. I suppose if a father of eight can remain steadfast in his faith; persevering through difficulties such as these, then perhaps a father of one might feel compelled to seek such assurance in his own life. Such is my prayer for him or maybe others who might providentially stumble upon these words of mine.

God, preserve in me such a faith that You may be glorified -Amen.

I've had to navigate through waters like this before. In My Journey - Part 3, you'll be reading one of my personal journal entries from January, 1998 - Over 11 years ago.

My family and I the day after Thanksgiving 2008.
We were out hunting for our Christmas tree
at a nearby tree farm.

My Journey - Part 1

This is #1 of a nine-part series.
If you'd like to skip to a different chapter,
Just click on the My Journey series
under LABELS (Top of the page, on the right side of your screen).

That old feeling is back - a restless heart; a churning in my gut. I haven't been able to shake it today; I haven't been able to shake it for a number of days. I brought it home with me late last week and it's been with me ever since. Have you ever been both present and absent at the same time? I was - yesterday, as I sat through church; my lips moving to the cadence of the music surrounding me yet the words echoed distantly, as if I were two rooms away. And I vacantly looked on as our pastor delivered his sermon. My mind: Far off, miles away and pensively thinking about the week ahead; about the past few years; about the years to come. Where had it gone, I know I had it with me just last week: That unshakable peace - a peace which defies all comers. I am haunted by an unpleasant specter, a malevolent creature who lingers about in the shadows of the things I fear. He drains me of my peace...but only if I let him...

You see, our family's electrical contracting business is floundering and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in a lop-sided basketball game; with the outcome no longer in doubt, I'm dribbling away the final dozen seconds - about to walk the long tunnel to the locker room having lost despite our best efforts. However, this is no game; this is bread and butter, this is clothing and shelter; this is the well-being of my family - our employees and their families. This is my responsibility; my charge and right now it feels like an unbearable weight pressing down upon me. I'm tired; I mean really tired - not the kind of tired that goes away after a good-night's rest.
All day today, I wrestled with the what-to-do's and the what-if's. I spoke with my Dad and my brother at length; weighing our options and deciding what our next course correction might be. And by mid-day, we had laid-off our remaining employees - indefinitely. Our assets are depleted; we have no cash reserves. We've set up our final play - if we don't nail a three-pointer at the buzzer, it's game-over...

My truck and I rolled into our driveway - a bit slower than usual but just in time for dinner. I deliberately checked my burdens at the door; it was family time. I was greeted by the usual exuberant chaos as I appeared in the kitchen. Melanie was putting the final touches on the spaghetti dinner she had prepared. I grabbed a couple of pot holders and gave her a hand. While exchanging a little light banter, I couldn't help but notice the demeanor of one of our boys; something was wrong with Benjamin. His face was somber and I could tell by his eyes that he'd been crying. I guessed it had been a rough day for him too.
As we began the meal, the serving bowls nearly completing their first orbit around the dinner table I heard Ben's voice. Just barely audible, his voice was little more than a whisper and his words were getting drowned out by all the ambient noise of our family's supper-time clatter. Trying to filter out all the silliness and giggling from his siblings, I turned my head to the left and gave him my full attention - the garlic bread was impatiently waiting next to my plate...it would just have to wait a moment longer. "What was that, son?" I asked. Ben's lips quivered and his mouth contorted. His eyes, already red and swollen from earlier, teared up once more as he repeated himself, "Daddy...Lizzy died today...Daddy, would you help me make a grave marker for him?" Lizzy was Ben's pet, a little green lizard. I reached over and pulled my boy close; now I was blinking back the tears. "I'm so sorry, Ben" I said, remembering all the pets I had lost as a youngster, "I know how much that hurts. Of course...of course, I'll help you". It would seem Benjamin and I were both pondering epitaphs today...

So once again, I'm reminded through one of my children: In as much as I'm able to love them, my Father in Heaven - well, there's no limit to the depth of His love for His children. Tomorrow, though weary to the very marrow of my bones, I will press on - duly reminded that I am not alone!
And as I press on, my intention is to keep writing of our adventure - our journey through whatever troubled waters or incredible providence that we may find ahead...My Journey; I pray it may help you as you make your way in yours!

Pictured here is some of my own handiwork. These electrical conduits deliver power to all the equipment, appliances, and lighting in a new restaurant we were contracted to wire a couple of years ago.