My Journey - Part 1

This is #1 of a nine-part series.
If you'd like to skip to a different chapter,
Just click on the My Journey series
under LABELS (Top of the page, on the right side of your screen).

That old feeling is back - a restless heart; a churning in my gut. I haven't been able to shake it today; I haven't been able to shake it for a number of days. I brought it home with me late last week and it's been with me ever since. Have you ever been both present and absent at the same time? I was - yesterday, as I sat through church; my lips moving to the cadence of the music surrounding me yet the words echoed distantly, as if I were two rooms away. And I vacantly looked on as our pastor delivered his sermon. My mind: Far off, miles away and pensively thinking about the week ahead; about the past few years; about the years to come. Where had it gone, I know I had it with me just last week: That unshakable peace - a peace which defies all comers. I am haunted by an unpleasant specter, a malevolent creature who lingers about in the shadows of the things I fear. He drains me of my peace...but only if I let him...

You see, our family's electrical contracting business is floundering and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in a lop-sided basketball game; with the outcome no longer in doubt, I'm dribbling away the final dozen seconds - about to walk the long tunnel to the locker room having lost despite our best efforts. However, this is no game; this is bread and butter, this is clothing and shelter; this is the well-being of my family - our employees and their families. This is my responsibility; my charge and right now it feels like an unbearable weight pressing down upon me. I'm tired; I mean really tired - not the kind of tired that goes away after a good-night's rest.
All day today, I wrestled with the what-to-do's and the what-if's. I spoke with my Dad and my brother at length; weighing our options and deciding what our next course correction might be. And by mid-day, we had laid-off our remaining employees - indefinitely. Our assets are depleted; we have no cash reserves. We've set up our final play - if we don't nail a three-pointer at the buzzer, it's game-over...

My truck and I rolled into our driveway - a bit slower than usual but just in time for dinner. I deliberately checked my burdens at the door; it was family time. I was greeted by the usual exuberant chaos as I appeared in the kitchen. Melanie was putting the final touches on the spaghetti dinner she had prepared. I grabbed a couple of pot holders and gave her a hand. While exchanging a little light banter, I couldn't help but notice the demeanor of one of our boys; something was wrong with Benjamin. His face was somber and I could tell by his eyes that he'd been crying. I guessed it had been a rough day for him too.
As we began the meal, the serving bowls nearly completing their first orbit around the dinner table I heard Ben's voice. Just barely audible, his voice was little more than a whisper and his words were getting drowned out by all the ambient noise of our family's supper-time clatter. Trying to filter out all the silliness and giggling from his siblings, I turned my head to the left and gave him my full attention - the garlic bread was impatiently waiting next to my plate...it would just have to wait a moment longer. "What was that, son?" I asked. Ben's lips quivered and his mouth contorted. His eyes, already red and swollen from earlier, teared up once more as he repeated himself, "Daddy...Lizzy died today...Daddy, would you help me make a grave marker for him?" Lizzy was Ben's pet, a little green lizard. I reached over and pulled my boy close; now I was blinking back the tears. "I'm so sorry, Ben" I said, remembering all the pets I had lost as a youngster, "I know how much that hurts. Of course...of course, I'll help you". It would seem Benjamin and I were both pondering epitaphs today...

So once again, I'm reminded through one of my children: In as much as I'm able to love them, my Father in Heaven - well, there's no limit to the depth of His love for His children. Tomorrow, though weary to the very marrow of my bones, I will press on - duly reminded that I am not alone!
And as I press on, my intention is to keep writing of our adventure - our journey through whatever troubled waters or incredible providence that we may find ahead...My Journey; I pray it may help you as you make your way in yours!

Pictured here is some of my own handiwork. These electrical conduits deliver power to all the equipment, appliances, and lighting in a new restaurant we were contracted to wire a couple of years ago.