My Journey - Part 5

This is #5 of a nine-part series.
If you'd like to skip to a different chapter,
Just click on the My Journey series
under LABELS (Top of the page, on the right side of your screen).

When your opponent is yourself, where do you go for a respite? When you're grappling with your inner struggles, there is no quiet corner in which to rest. You and you adversary are inseparable. Like a shadow-boxer, you can't run from the fight - it is wherever you are.
There have been days this week when the battle seemed too much for me; my shadow, as it were, was prevailing and I longed for some place to go; a place where I wasn't feeling constantly pummeled. I'm beginning to understand why so many folks turn to alcohol and drugs for relief. Now don't you worry, I'm not destined for a twelve-step program any time soon! I'm just aying that I've gained a new perspective, that's all. Though I've had a profound sense of despair shadowing me these days, I refuse to succumb to it for such a thing has no permanent place in the heart of one whose hope is in the Lord!
Nevertheless, this is where the battle lines are drawn each day in my life. Indeed, I find myself at one of those crossroad moments we all encounter on life's journey. This one is no country corner - it's a major intersection! Do I continue in the direction I've been traveling - that is, I and my family with me? Do I change course and if so, then which way? The circumstances swirling about are pressing me to make choices I feel ill-equipped to make; decisions I'd rather defer until a later date. I'm finding it difficult to get my bearings and I feel compelled to make choices I have little confidence in. The whole thing leaves me feeling so very drained at times.
If you're familiar with J.R.R. Tolkien you'll likely recognize the following quote from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I'm reminded of it because it so aptly describes the weariness and exasperation I often feel these days:

I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin. Sort of stretched, like butter, scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to.
-An excerpt from The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien

Have you ever seen that movie, Castaway? Tom Hanks plays a character named Chuck Noland - a time-obsessed systems analyst for FedEx. Chuck travels worldwide promoting efficiency and resolving productivity problems for his company...that is until a plane crash leaves him marooned on an uninhabited island in the South Pacific - alone. Sometimes I actually envy the guy removed from his busy world, standing there; a deserted beach on an uncharted island spread out before him, he's suddenly had his priorities redefined for him. His life simplified right down to the most basic of needs: Water, food, and shelter. And yet, I'm not alone on an island. Nor am I planning a permanent hiatus any time soon. I have resolved that I'll not endure challenges, adversities, or losses in vain for I am determined that my attitude will not hinder the good work that God desires to accomplish in and through me. May my momentary light afflictions bring about the glory of my Lord and His kingdom! I will not seek to withdraw from this battle. Rather, I intend through Christ who strengthens me, to boldly go forth wherever He leads.

In times past, when confronted with such difficulties, I've had a tendency to withdraw to my own little island. I'd fortify it and dwell in it; shutting out those through whom God would deliver sustenance - even my wife! The fact that you're reading these words is evidence that I've learned to press myself into the fray; allowing others, and especially my wife to come along side and stand with me. Lately, I've plugged into a group of men from our church. We meet twice a month at a local eatery to fellowship, study scripture, and pray together - yet another indication that God has imparted upon me a desire to let Him work through others in my life. It's been like medicine to my soul! Let me be frank, if you intend to face the challenges in your life - however great or small - by your own cunning and strength, then you're on a fool's errand my friend!
Let me close this with a story I read a few years back; perhaps you're familiar with it, it's called The Silent Sermon:

Our Daily Bread - Daily Devotional
September 22, 2003

How important is our fellowship in the local church? Let me answer that question by telling a story.

A minister was concerned about the absence of a man who had normally attended services. After a few weeks, he decided to visit him. When the pastor arrived at the man's home, he found him all alone, sitting in front of a fireplace. The minister pulled up a chair and sat next to him. But after his initial greeting he said nothing more.

The two sat in silence for a few minutes while the minister stared at the flames in the fireplace. Then he took the tongs and carefully picked up one burning ember from the flames and placed it on the hearth. He sat back in his chair, still silent. His host watched in quiet reflection as the ember flickered and faded. Before long it was cold and dead.

The minister glanced at his watch and said he had to leave, but first he picked up the cold ember and placed it back in the fire. Immediately it began to glow again with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the minister rose to leave, his host stood with him and shook his hand. Then, with a smile on his face, the man said, "Thanks for the sermon, pastor. I'll see you in church on Sunday." —David H. Roper

UPDATE - MARCH 2, 2009

Since posting My Journey - Part 5, there have been some significant developments in my situation. Over the past few days, some things have come to light which will have serious implications for my household and our finances. I've taken some time off from work to pull back and find some place to get alone with God and seek His face. I'm seriously considering accepting an opportunity to go away for a couple of days - alone; to pray, meditate on scripture, and try to discern God's will for me/us in these times. I need to define some goals and prayerfully consider how to act upon them. Those of you who read my blog; if you're so inclined, please remember me in your prayers.

Trail Marker - Part 2

PREVIOUSLY ON DADDY'S HOME:

Trail Marker Part - 1

...At that point, the trail took me through a densely wooded plateau. Both sides of the path were lined with thick undergrowth and scrubby tangle wood. I hadn't taken but a step or two when I heard a twig break - then another. I froze in my tracks. Just a few yards ahead emerged from the brush a very large, dark and hairy form!

While on a hike, it's usually good practice to make a little noise as you walk the trail. If you tread lightly without making a sound, you might just stealthily happen upon a creature that doesn't take too kindly to surprises! Be it something docile such as a deer - well, that's usually a pleasant encounter but there may be other things lurking nearby; things best viewed from a distance! When in an area likely to conceal such other things, I'm in the habit of rapping my walking stick against a tree trunk or giving a loud cough every few minutes to give fair warning of my presence.
Now as I was saying, I had found myself a bit disoriented on my hike that day. I can't remember for sure but I'd guess that while I was getting my bearings and re-orienting myself to the trail-map, I had stood still or quietly walked a short distance searching for land-marks for the better part of ten minutes - maybe more. At any rate, it was apparently plenty of time for something to happen upon my position completely unaware of my presence!
I stood motionless as I observed the biggest black bear I'd ever seen! Male black bears can get as big as 600 pounds. Being as close as I was, I had no trouble sizing-up the big fella; easily three times my weight so, yeah - I'd say he was up there in that range! That was most definitely not the time for me to cough! I remained perfectly still as "Smoky" lumbered across the trail and disappeared into the brambles on the other side. Thankfully, he never turned his head; never even saw me. Yet, this presented me with another dilemma: Where had he gone? I had no way of knowing whether he still lingered near the trail or had maintained his course through the scrub. I strained my ears but heard nothing but the slight breeze rustling the leaves overhead. The sun had dipped below the ridge line to my west and the forest floor was quickly darkening. "I don't have time for this" I thought as the damp, cool of dusk descended upon me. I glanced around; noting several trees I might need to shimmy-up in a hurry. I don't recall for sure but I think it had been about five minutes since I'd seen the bear when I decided to cautiously move forward.
As I approached the spot where the bear crossed, my already quickened pulse raced even more as I detected some movement in the brush. I found my reverse gear and slowly backed-up. Once again, a figure emerged from the undergrowth - no, two figures this time. These were wearing trail-packs! The hikers were following the very same game-trail that the bear had been traveling only minutes before.
Coming along side my fellow travelers I asked them, "did you guys happen to encounter anything a few minutes ago - like maybe a bear?" They hadn't seen a thing. I thought it strange because from where I'd been standing, those fellas should have come face-to-face with it! I figure the bear probably had seen, heard, or smelled them first and altered his course to avoid a close encounter with people - their usual behavior.
At any rate, that game-trail turned out to be more or less a "b-line" from my position straight to the parking lot. Apparently, it was well traveled by ol' Smokey and his friends as they frequented the picnic pavilion looking for food scraps. How convenient for me as I was able to make up some valuable time; shaving a significant distance off the remainder of my hike. When I had set out that morning, the grass was still wet with dew. Hungry and spent, I emerged from the darkened woods. Having completed the loop; I had returned - and so had the dew. The pale hues of dusk enveloped the park and in the remaining light, I spied a most welcome vision at the far end of the public access - my truck! As I made my way across the dampened turf, I passed an over-turned waste can; its contents had been scattered over the grassy slope near the pavilion. "The bears around here sure are well-fed" I thought, "no wonder he's grown so big!"
Closing the door, I settled into my seat. The quiet surround of my truck's cab was in stark contrast to the excitement of the day. I let out a sigh as the engine roared to life. Reflecting on my little adventure, I put the vehicle in gear and headed home; behind me, a six hundred pound bear; before me, a cold dinner and some explaining to my worried wife.

I searched the web for a photo that most closely
resembles the bear I saw that day. This one best
fits my memory of him.

My Journey - Part 4

This is #4 of a nine-part series.
If you'd like to skip to a different chapter,
Just click on the My Journey series
under LABELS (Top of the page, on the right side of your screen).

It's been several days since I've up-dated this series so I figured I'd string a few thoughts together. This morning while I readied myself for work, a number of observations were streaming through my mind as I contemplated our situation. I recall that they were good thoughts - I just wish I would've written them down because much of it eludes me now. If someone ever invents a lap-top that's safe for use in the shower, I just might be interested! Well, perhaps it'll come back to me as I delve into it.
There's no denying it; no way to sugar-coat it - I'm struggling right now. I haven't slept well in days. I try to get my mind around the things I'm wrestling with but it's no use. Each day I arise from bed still tired. Feeling as though my best efforts are draped with futility, I mechanically dress myself, grab a piece of fruit, kiss my family and head out the door - driven not by a passion for what I do but by a sense of duty. This evening, I returned home a complete wreck. Frustrated beyond words, I fumed as I picked through my dinner. At one point, I rudely left the table to be alone. I was not pleasant company this evening and I owe my family an apology - which they'll get first thing tomorrow.
With a tension headache and no desire to remain awake, I slid into bed early; hoping the next sound I'd hear would be my alarm clock telling me it was six o'clock and time to start another morning - maybe a better morning. Instead, a restless soul - I awoke around midnight, paced the quiet floors of my home; still agitated and pensive. I finally settled in here at my keyboard. My heart cries out to God, "Why do such things befall men who simply want to live for You? Why are my efforts so hindered? Why this; why that; why, why, why...?" And the answer? If I dare trust the words I feel echoing in the halls of my mind, the answer would seem to be,

"Why don't you just take a deep breath and relax. Remember from Whom your help comes! Remember what remarkable Providences you've already seen! Never forget this: That you do not bear the well being of your children alone for they are ever before Me and I do not sleep!"

(By-the-way, I really should write about those "Providences" sometime; someone please remind me to do that later - another story worth telling I suppose).

We had a lengthy meeting last week - Dad, my brother and I - to discuss some critical issues; weighing our options and debating some tough choices for our family business. It's sobering for us as we're having to face the gravity of our situation. I'm left pondering the possibility that I'm facing a drastic cut in my income and perhaps the prospect of having to seek a new career path. We press on with the hope we may yet pull through this slump; continuing to seek God's will and striving to make sound choices. Lately, I've spent many sleepless nights trying to discern the implications for my family; the immanent consequences we face. "Why, God...(oops, there I go again! Be still my soul).
I watch with a tinge of amusement as the world around me conjures up one "crisis" after another. I suppose it gives some people a sense of purpose to play the role of "savior"; to stand at their podiums and boldly proclaim their wonderful plans for salvation. The incurably ignorant masses rise as one and applaud loudly for the almighty governance of man is about to throw more money at them. Many have foolishly concluded that it's the governments' role to remove all unpleasant consequences from their lives and there's no shortage of elected officials; all to eager to oblige them. Using the power and influence gained by confiscating the wealth of others, they buy the support of a deceived people. They are flim-flam artists; snake-oil salesman and they call their brilliant schemes stimulus.

God has a stimulus plan too but it doesn't prescribe the removal of troublesome consequences. However seasoned with grace, He tends to leave in place the consequences of poor choices, victimization, and the environment of this fallen world. (May I direct your attention to this scripture?) In our Heavenly Father's economy, consequences are the stimulus - encouraging growth; nudging us on toward greater works in Christ! So, I take courage as I hope in the harvest that will be reaped in its season. God has seen in me what I cannot see and has, in His infinite wisdom deemed me worthy to endure such troubles. I'm encouraged by that thought and so I keep going. Wow, look at the time; I'd better get back to bed while there's still some time before that 6 o'clock alarm!

For those of you who read Trail Marker - part 1, the conclusion is just about finished and I'll post it later this week. If you haven't read it yet, whacha waitin' for?!

Trail Marker - Part 1

Anyone who knows me can vouch for this: I'm an outdoorsy kinda guy; far more at home deep in the woods than in a crowded shopping mall or corporate board-room. I love to grab my walking stick, a bag of trail-mix, and water bottle; heading out into the quiet solitude of the wild. I place great value on the times I'm able to steal away for awhile; putting some distance between me and the noise that normally surrounds me. Ya know what? I'm in good company - even Jesus sought out such retreats from time to time.
In the forest, we can easily locate the boundaries of where we're familiar; where we've been before. At that point, we choose whether or not to venture on a little further. For some, that's a few feet beyond the parking lot; others might have something just a bit more adventurous in mind. Me - I'm the adventurous sort; the trail I may have walked yesterday only serves to lead me to one yet to be discovered!
It was back in 2000 and we were visiting Melanie's family in Southwestern Pennsylvania. When I visit that region, I find it nearly irresistible - that voice beckoning from the wooded slopes of the Allegheny Mountains. Its call resonates deep within me and I can hardly wait to lace-up my boots and find a good trail (I hope I'm not sounding like some New Age, tree-hugging weirdo here. Put simply, I love to immerse myself in that sort of geography and I cherish every opportunity I get to do so!)
It was a beautiful sunny day and Melanie was eager to spend it catching up with her mother and showing off our three little ones. I was perusing through some local road maps - scratching my head I wondered, "Now where was that trail-head; I'm pretty sure it's along this road..."
The kids were giggling and enjoying their reunion with Grandma while I gave my wife a peck on the cheek. "Have a good day with Mom - don't expect me 'til dinner" I said as I walked toward my pickup truck with a bounce in my step. After a short drive through the hilly countryside, I arrived at my destination. The hollow crunching sound of the gravel beneath my tires ground to halt as I parked in the nearly deserted lot. "Perfect!" I thought, "Hardly anyone else here today - the trail is mine!" I was there to get away from the familiar surroundings of my world. I hoped to spend the entire day without encountering another soul. The only conversation I was interested in was with my Heavenly Father. Securing a trail map from the information stand I stood still for a few moments to get my bearings. I selected the route I'd be following and noted the color of the trail markers that would guide me along the five-mile loop. There were longer trails but this was to be a leisurely pace and I did say I'd be home for dinner. Having oriented myself, I began my trek through the rugged terrain.
The trail I was on meanders along ridge lines, crosses valleys, and traverses numerous slopes which are strewn with moss-covered boulders - some as big as houses. I was in awe of the natural beauty and wondrous views that surrounded me. I strolled along at a steady yet comfortable pace; praying, listening, meditating, and drinking in the moment. As I looked up into the wooded canopy above, I began to sing aloud one of my favorite hymns; one I've known from my youth:

"O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,

How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: 'My God, how great Thou art!'

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!"

Several hours into my hike, I noticed something - the trail markers no longer agreed with my trail map. At some point, I had deviated from my intended course. I now found myself on a much longer loop. A cold sweat broke out out on my brow; instead of being on schedule to exit the woods in time to get back for dinner, I was facing the very real possibility of having to bed down for the night in a lean-to shelter. "If only I had a compass", I thought. "Then I could walk a 'b-line' straight back to the parking lot". It would've been quicker than the circuitous route the trail follows. "Bad idea" I mumbled; imagining myself crawling out of the woods a few days later with a scraggly beard and twigs in my hair!
After studying the map, I was reasonably sure where I was. The Sun was beginning to set; giving me a rough indication of west. I knew if I back-tracked, I'd never make it out before dark but if I continued in the direction I had been traveling, I might just make it if I quickened my pace. Having resolved that question, I pocketed the map, washed down a handful of trail mix with a swig of water and resumed my hike.
At that point, the trail took me through a densely wooded plateau. Both sides of the path were lined with thick undergrowth and scrubby tangle wood. I hadn't taken but a step or two when I heard a twig break - then another. I froze in my tracks. Just a few yards ahead emerged from the brush a very large, dark and hairy form!

To be continued...