Flashback (My Journey - part 3)

This is #3 of a nine-part series.
If you'd like to skip to a different chapter,
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under LABELS (Top of the page, on the right side of your screen).

This photo was taken early in 1998; around the same time I wrote the journal entry below. I'm pictured here holding Becky & Bradley; at the time,they were our only children.

I mentioned in my last post (Part - 2) that the difficulties we are now experiencing are similar to what we walked through about a dozen years ago. Back in those days, we were struggling through some very painful circumstances. Over a period of about 18-24 months, the building company I had started slowly bled us of our financial stability. We fell behind with some of our suppliers, amassed a huge tax debt and nearly lost our home; and just when I thought things had bottomed-out...

1/6/1998, 12:00am

As we've just begun a new year and put the holidays behind us, I find myself in the midst of some deep, inner struggles. I feel as though I'm in a tail-spin; out of control and headed toward certain doom! It felt as though everything I've set my hand to accomplish is falling apart at the seams.

Our business is struggling for its very survival; we're experiencing some profound financial struggles as well as having problems with some of our employees. I've been feeling an ever-increasing weight upon my shoulders. The level of stress has been on the increase in recent weeks as I'm feeling the reality of so many things amiss in my world right now.

As we began December, I was determined to keep my chin up; to be a pillar of strength for my family. We decorated our Christmas tree early and I even purchased some extra lights to put on the house, shrubs, and the crab-apple tree. I had decided to do my level best to make the holiday season as festive a memory as possible for Mel and the little ones.

Nevertheless, pressures were continuing to mount and I was growing increasingly concerned about the financial state of our little company. Yet, I'll always remember the big surprise Melanie had waiting for me that one particular afternoon in early December. I'd just come home from another frustrating day. We gave each other our usual greeting as I stumbled through the door over two young children who were frantically competing for my affection. It looked like another typical evening lay ahead for me; trying to stay up-beat and optimistic in spite my heavy heart.

For some reason, Mel seemed intent upon herding me toward our bedroom. I willingly obliged, figuring she'd probably had a rough day with the kids and wanted some "us-time" before dinner. The door closed behind me and she motioned for me to look on top of her dresser. Turning my head, I noticed a handkerchief covering something. "Take a look" she said. Lifting away the fabric, I saw what it had been concealing. The clouds that had been hovering over my head all day suddenly lifted; a ray of sun fell upon my heart. Gone, for the moment were the things that had been troubling me. I beheld a home pregnancy test boldly displaying a big pink "+". Oh - I was so happy; the troubles plaguing me now seemed trivial - at least for a little while, anyhow.

Over the next couple of days, we delivered the exciting news to our family and a few of our friends and then began making plans; preparing a place for our new arrival. This was truly a boost for me. Yet, the problems at work were worsening and I was feeling more and more stressed-out. The days leading up to the Christmas break were some of the most frustrating ones I've had in quite some time. I limped into Christmas just hoping for a few days to rest and re-evaluate some things.

I'm sure there's no way to prepare one's self for adverse times but I, already in a vulnerable state emotionally, was completely blind-sided by what happened next. It was Christmas Eve when Melanie first noticed some light bleeding; always unnerving during a pregnancy. I recalled a similar episode when we were expecting Becky so I was a little concerned but not overly so. However, my cautious optimism was soon dashed as the flow of blood increased over the next couple of days. As the reality of our loss became apparent; that on top of all the other grief I'd been enduring from our floundering business, my heart sank.

Mel was in bed; the children were fast asleep. I, alone with my thoughts and pent-up emotions knelt down to pray (by the bathtub - of all the places). Crying out to God, I sobbed; I wept like I haven't wept in recent memory. The tears flowing freely washed the contact lenses from my eyes (I never did find them).

More than a week has gone by now and I'm still reeling; I've found it difficult to even write these words without my eyes tearing up once more. I'm still struggling to find my way back to that place where I once felt my faith was unshakable. God is the one constant in the universe. His character is flawless but I am weak. When have I ever felt weaker than I do now? Yet, I'm determined to press-on! We lost our little one. Though we only knew this child as a little pink "+", our lives are profoundly touched by the assurance that our #3 is waiting for us in Jesus' arms! I look forward to our first meeting! Just a final thought: I can only imagine what it must be like to have your first perceptions in life be in the presence of God!

I think this was taken during the summer of 1997. The kids & I havin' a ball!

If I could take a trip in a time machine, I'm not sure I could resist making a stop in the year 1998; January 6 at around 12:30 am, I should think. I'd stroll up the walk and climb the front porch steps of that little ranch-style house on Riverdale Street I so fondly remember. I'd quietly knock on the door; careful not to wake the kids and my young wife. "Hi, it's me...uhm...that is...well, it's you - I mean I'm you; would ya believe you about 11 years from now?" Now, assuming I'd make it past such a greeting, I'd invite myself in and we'd make ourselves comfortable in the living room. I wonder who'd get my favorite chair; me or me?
I'm not altogether sure what I'd say to my young alter ego but I can imagine I'd tell him his faith in the Heavenly Father is well placed. Perhaps I'd tell him of the amazing providence he would experience in the coming years. I'd tell him what a wonderful wife he has and how she's blossomed into such an extraordinary woman. I'd tell him what fine youngsters Becky and Brad have grown into and "just wait 'til ya meet the other six!" I probably wouldn't mention the second miscarriage he and his wife would go through in a few years. Rather, I'd reassure him that God is using the difficulties of his day to strengthen him to face new challenges in mine and that his perseverance is not in vain. Finally, I'd smack him up-side the head in advance for buying that stupid conversion van!
So here I sit, looking back; recognizing God's providence along my journey; His mighty hand keeping my feet on course. Therefore, I can't help but wonder; "what would the 'me' from the future have to say to me right now? I think it would sound more or less just like what I would say to the 1998 "me"; that and maybe tomorrow's winning lottery numbers might be nice!